Parents Zone

Your Guide To Potty/Toilet Training

What Is Toilet Training?
The actual definition of toilet training is relatively simple: it is helping your child learn to use the toilet or potty to pee or poo as opposed to their nappy.  However, one aspect which is open to your own interpretation is when your child is considered to be toilet trained.

Some parents feel that toilet training has been successful when their child has achieved dryness – no longer has soiled pants or nappies – regardless of whether or not the parent still has to assist them with the undressing or dressing and wiping.  While others do not believe their child is properly toilet trained until they can go through the whole process alone, from the undressing at the start, to the redressing at the end. 

Another debatable level of success is whether or not your child is only dry by day – still requiring a nappy to go to bed - or by both day and night – with only the occasional accident of bed-wetting.

There is no right or wrong answer, it is completely up to the individual parent/s.  Most parents are just thrilled not to have to constantly change nappies during the day, so having them wear one to bed doesn't phase them.  The important thing is not to put too much pressure on yourself or your child.

What's The Rush?
Many parents are under the misconception that you have a time limit within which you have to have your child toilet or potty trained.  This is largely due to the belief and subsequent pressure from the older generation, parents and grandparents.  In their time you just “got on with it”, there were more important things to do than changing nappies all day.  Therefore, most of their children were toilet trained anywhere from 18 months to 2.5 years.  Things are much more relaxed these days, and your child's stage of development is used to gauge their achievements.

There is also an element of competitiveness amongst friends which adds undue pressure to yourself and to your child, regardless of the more relaxed era.  A lot of parents try to beat other parents in many of their child's developmental achievements, from when they first smiled to toilet training, and it doesn't end there.  If you try to force your child into toilet training before they are ready you will not only be met with resistance, but also disappointment as the whole process becomes more drawn out than it need be.

As with any milestone your child makes, there are certain stages they have to go through before they will be ready to begin toilet training, and every child is different. Allowances need to be made for children who were premature, or who have some kind of impairment, they may naturally not progress as quickly as those who weren't or don't.

In building up to toilet training your child will pass through the following stages.  First they need to be aware of the fact that their nappy or clothing is either wet or dirty which can occur around 15 months.  Then they need to be able to recognise whether they are peeing or pooing – some may even be able to tell you – but this doesn't usually occur until they are between 18-24 months or later.  Next they need to develop the ability to forewarn you of their impending need to go, usually around 2.5 - 3 years old.  The final stage your child will experience is the gaining of bladder and bowel control, when they can “hold on” for longer periods of time.  This can happen anywhere after their 3rd year.

Research has shown that until your child reaches the age of 18 months they are unable to voluntarily use the muscles that control the bladder and the rectum.  It is also believed that there is approximately 2 years between stage 1 and stage 4.  Once your child has reached this 4th stage, they will be much easier to toilet train and much more open to the idea.  It is up to you if you want to persevere and begin toilet training before they reach that final stage, but you will find that it will be a very drawn out process.

Your Child's Signs of Interest
As well as the developmental stages, there are many signs that your child may display to signal their possible readiness for toilet training.

• You will hear the words “I can do it!” more often as they become more independent.
• They will give signs that they are about to go, like a look of concentration or a redness in the face.
• They are able to pull their clothing on and off by themselves.
• For the boys:  they will begin following Dad to the toilet and imitate what he does.
• Physical development – they can walk and sit by themselves.
• They know the difference between pee and poo.
• Nappy remains dry for longer periods, usually 3-4 hours.
• They can understand what you say including the ability to follow simple instructions.
• Recognises the sensations that signal the need to go to the toilet.
• Complains and appears uncomfortable in a soiled nappy.
• Rips the nappy off the moment it is wet or dirty.

How Do You Begin?
With baby steps is the best way to start.  You need to introduce the potty or toilet (whichever you have chosen) to them gradually.  A potty can be less intimidating but some kids prefer a child's seat on the toilet so that they appear to be grown up.   Here are some tips that may help.

• Place the potty (if this is the way you have chosen) in the bathroom, or even in the room where the toilet is if you have space, so that they can see it.  Be prepared to have the potty used as a hat or a toy for a while as this will help them find it less intimidating.

• If you are able to have the potty in the same room as the toilet, try sitting them on it while you are doing your business.  You can start with them wearing their nappy if you like, or if you feel they are comfortable enough take it off.  This is a way of demonstrating it's use and will also help them identify with what you do while you're in there.

• Another way of demonstrating if the previous tip isn't an option is to use a doll or teddy.  You can discretely place a bit of yellow-tinted water in the bottom of the potty, and some parents even use a bit of faeces too.  If you have a doll that actually pees, this is ideal.  (If you use a child's toilet seat, you can still do this.)

• Read them stories about toilet training or even DVD's if you can find them about kids learning to use the toilet.

• Allow your child to flush the toilet if they follow you to the toilet or when you empty the potty.  Some kids get scared that there is a monster in the toilet that eats the poo and pee and this will help allay their fears, as well as some soothing and reassuring words from you.

The Next Level
Once you have your child more comfortable with the toilet or potty your next step is perseverance and patience.  Here are some tips for the next stage.

• 30 minutes after each meal, bottle or drink, take your child to the potty/toilet, take their nappy off and sit them on it.  Do this every time, or at least at times when you can do it consistently every day. Consistency is important to your child otherwise it only confuses them.  If you have a child who won't sit still, try reading them a story or doing an activity like blowing bubbles to help settle them.  They will need to be relaxed in order for them to do what they need to, so remain calm.

• If your child has sat still for a minute or so and they want to get up, don't force them to stay there or you will invoke fear in them.  Let them get off and then try for a bit longer the next time, and keep increasing the time each time until they do what they are there for.

• Praise and encouragement are important whether they actually do anything or not.  If they “go potty” successfully then tell them how good they were for it and give them a cuddle.  If they haven't achieved anything still give them a cuddle and tell them how good they were for trying.  You can even do up a treat board with little stars or whatever signifying their achievements, and at the end of every week, reward them with something.  You need to let them know when introducing this what the chart is for and what their reward will be.  You can even offer a slightly less significant reward just for trying.

• If you have a child who will pee in the toilet but absolutely refuses to poo in the toilet, don't worry,  this is completely natural.  Many children feel that their poo is a part of themselves and are very reluctant to let it go.  They are also a bit scared of the splash it makes.  The easiest way to overcome this is to allow them to wear the nappy to poo, but get them to stand in the room where the toilet is to do it. Once they are used to this you can move them to the next level and sit them on the toilet, while still wearing their nappy.  Then try taking their nappy off altogether.  This will be a gradual progression, so judge carefully by your child's reaction. If the splash is still a problem try adding a bit of toilet paper into the bottom of the bowl to stop it.

• Make sure they wash their hands, even if they haven't done anything, as simple contact with the toilet seat or potty can lead to the spreading of germs plus it's a good habit to get them into.

• Start teaching them how to wipe themselves from front and back, and how much toilet paper to use.  Cottonelle have bought out a great new range of toilet paper that show your child exactly how much is enough.

Just For The Boys
It is important to note that boys tend to be a little slower than girls to master the art of toilet training.  There are a few reasons, according to experts, which explain this.

First, boys' nervous systems tend to mature later than girls so it may take them a little longer to gain control than.  Second, as Mum is the primary care-giver the boys do not have a constant same-sex role model that the girls do.  And third, boys appear to be less sensitive to the wetness or dirtiness against their skin.  So take this into account when training your boys.

No matter what their gender, your child will seemingly pee and poo at the same time, which is why, to start with we teach them to sit on the toilet or potty for both.  Once your son has gotten used to the idea of where poo and pee go, and has also gotten over the fact that he has his very own built-in water pistol, it is time to move onto the next step in teaching him to stand up to pee.  Here's a few tips on how to achieve that and how to help him control his aim.

1. The best way for your son to learn the correct way for a boy to pee is by watching his father or another male role model he is comfortable with.

2. Place a child's step in front of the toilet which gives him enough height to reach over the rim.

3. Ensure the toilet seat cannot fall down on him as this could be a very painful deterrent.

4. Show and encourage your son how to angle his penis down so that he will not spray where he isn't supposed to.

5. To help sharpen his aim, give him something to aim at.  This can either be something like a rubber duckie – if you don't mind fishing it out afterwards, or a piece of toilet paper, or even a Froot Loop. Froot Loops are fun because they are colourful, and they're flushable.  It's up to you what you use, just make sure it is something that encourages him to aim toward the bottom of the bowl and not the sides.

6. If you use Blu-Loos or any other sort of cleaning/deoderising block in your toilet that adds colour, this can also be enjoyable for your son as he watches the colour change.

7. If your son does happen to splash, encourage him to wipe the mess away and then wash his hands afterwards.  Washing hands should be an important part of toilet/potty training anyway.

8. Most importantly, well to Mum anyway, teach him to put the seat down afterwards.

Another point to remember here is that until your child is quite adept at using the toilet you should accompany them, or at least be close at hand and check on them regularly.  Little boys have a tendency to lean forward on the toilet as they watch their built-in water pistol at work, and unless they have their balance properly they may fall off.  If this is a common problem with your son and you can't supervise him constantly while he's in there, you can place a cot mattress or something with equal softness and padding in front of the toilet so that if he does happen to topple off he will remain uninjured.

Night-time Training
Many parents approach this differently.  Some just let it happen naturally, like on the ad for Dry-Nites whose slogan is: “Your child will become dry in their own time, in the meantime there's Dry-Nites”.  Your child will become dry in their own time, but you can help it along if you want to.  Here are some tips for night-time training.

1. Ask your child if they would like to try sleeping without a nappy.  If they agree, choose a night to begin – one where you have little to do the following day – and then explain what is going to happen.

2. Ensure you have a water-proof mattress protector as there is bound to be accidents for a while, and at least this way you will not have to worry about cleaning and airing a mattress on top of everything else. Having clean sheets and another pair of pyjamas ready is a good idea too so that you aren't racing around in the middle of the night trying to get everything together in order to clean the bed and them up in order to get them back to sleep as quickly as possible.

3. Always stay calm, even if they do wet the bed, it will take a little time before they will be consistently dry through the night.  Congratulate them every time they get up in the morning with a dry bed, but don't criticise them if they don't.  Just try, try again.

4. Some kids won't go through the whole night without needing to relieve themselves so ensure they can find their way to the toilet easily.  A nightlight in their room, leaving the toilet light on, and also any other lights that are needed to guide them safely from their room to the toilet is essential.  A lot of the time they may still want you to go with them, so be prepared for a few wake ups for a while.

5. Try to cut down on their fluid intake at least 2 hours before bed time.  This will reduce the need to pee during the night and also the amount of accidents.  Don't reduce it too much though because dehydration can cause them to pee in smaller amounts but more frequently which will lead to bed-wetting.

6. Ensure your child goes to the toilet before they go to bed and as soon as they get up in the morning to avoid more accidents.  You yourself know that you need to pee as soon as you get up in the morning and your child is no different.

7. Some parents resort to going into their child's room at certain intervals during the night to carry their child to the toilet.  They wake them and make them aware of what they are doing, but this behaviour is not encouraged as it doesn't encourage your child to recognise when they have a full bladder and wake themselves. 

Bed-wetting
Be assured that you are not alone in this, although it is a subject you are less likely to hear parents talk about let alone brag about.  Many children still have accidents at the age of 9, even adults can still have instances of bed-wetting, and not because they are old and lost control of their bladder. 

So when can you throw the nappies away?
Remember not to rush your child out of nappies.  Until your child is completely reliable to be dry by day, there is no point in attempting the night-time training.

It is not recommended to throw the nappies away, or stop buying them until day-time dryness is achieved and you're comfortable with the nights.  There are signs you can look for, but ultimately it is up to you.  Some parents feel more comfortable having a few nappies on hand, just in case, until such time as their child is reliable both day and night, with only maybe a few accidents.

• By the age of 4 your child should be completely dry by day and at least be getting through most, if not all, of the night without needing to wee.

• If your child begins to notice, whether they're wearing a nappy or not, that they need to pee and wakes up during the night to do so, then if they're wearing nappies, maybe it's time to try it without.

• Some kids start ripping their nappy off in the middle of the night having developed an aversion to the hot and soggy feeling of it.  If this is happening regularly, then maybe try them without the nappy.

• A child can be stimulated to go the toilet during the night or early in the morning by an overfull nappy which has leaked.  Another good sign to try them without it.

• If you child tells you they no longer want to wear nappies.

10 Mistakes Parents Make and How You Can Avoid Them
Nobody is perfect and when it comes to potty/toilet training sometimes we find we are less perfect than we once thought.  We are human and we naturally make mistakes, but quite often we don't know where we went wrong.  Here is a list of the most common mistakes made and how not to make them.

1. Loosing your temper or patience – Children pick up on your emotions whether they are verbally expressed or non-verbally.  Everything you feel, they will feel too.  It is understood that toilet training can be a very trying time for parents and it is also understood that they can't remain calm all the time, but you need to understand the vulnerability of your child and realise that accidents do happen.  Try to ensure that the message you are conveying to them is a positive one, regardless of the accidents.

2. Doing It When You're Ready – Unfortunately there are a lot of parents who allow other things to interfere with the toilet training process. You need to let your child guide you when it comes to toilet training not the other way round.  You can't rush them or have them fit into your schedule, when they are ready you need to be ready too.

3. Sitting On the Potty/Toilet for hours – Another misconception which parents fall under is that they need to leave their child sitting on the toilet for however long it takes them to actually do something. They tend to avoid accidents by trying to ensure there is no chance of having one, and if that means leaving them there screaming for however long it takes, then so be it.  Wrong!  Most kids become too upset and will hold on longer and longer until it affects their health.  They may become constipated or just not tell you when they need to go.  While you should encourage them to stay there for longer periods of time as you progress through the stages forcing them to sit there for an hour or hours is not helpful and will only send you backwards.

4. Nagging – While you want to remind your child to go to the toilet, constantly asking them “Do you need to go?” throughtout the day can become annoying and deterring for your child, so try not to overdo it.

5. Inconsistency – You need to convey the same message to your child regarding using the toilet all the time.  If you sometimes just let them pee or poo in their nappy when you usually don't you are sending mixed messages and it only serves to confuse them.  You need to be consistent.

6. Overdoing The Encouragement – Children tend to pick up on the way you will stop what you are doing every time they appear to be heading off to the toilet, clapping and congratulating them, and making a big fuss.  While it is great that you encourage and congratulate and applaud their achievements, going overboard will lead to your child using it as a way of just gaining your attention whenever they want it, and not because they actually want to do anything.  Try to remain controlled when you extol your praises, and only congratulate them if they actually manage to do something.

7. Fluid Reduction – When you begin toilet training plenty of fluids is advisable in order to get your child used to using the potty/toilet.  Good fluid intake also helps to prevent constipation which will only cause further problems.  Be careful when, as they get more reliable, that you don't limit their fluids too much.

8. Too Soon – Don't be in a rush to get your child out of nappies.  There are no awards for having your child toilet trained by 2 years old, and there is no punishment if they are still not potty/toilet trained by the age of 3.  The only reason and the only time you should start training is when your child is ready.

9. Putting It Off -  When your child is ready, and displays the signs, don't just ignore them and put it off. It is not going to get easier, and there is not going to be a better time.  Delaying what your child is telling you they are ready for now will only draw out the process.

10. Never Give Up – When you become frustrated or begin to lose your temper and patience and/or your child is becoming resistant, it is time to take a break.  This is not surrendering, it is just giving both you and your child time to calm down and regroup, so to speak.  Once your patience and enthusiasm has returned, then it's time to try again.  This may occur many times during the training process, but so long as you pick up again once you have regained control and your child is settled again, you have not failed, nor have you given up on your child.